I’m happily married with three children, two of whom are teenagers, and I write sexual health and pleasure articles.
Here, I want to share my thoughts on why I’m having better sex now than when I was in my 20s.
This is to dispel the common view that by the time you hit your 40s, your sex life will be non existent.
At the age of 20 I was clueless about sex, men and my body. Now, I’m a mature woman who loves sex and knows what she wants.
I get fed up reading negative articles about being premenopausal, something which I am.
Former nurse and sex expert Samantha Evans, 47, says her sex life got better with age (file photo). ‘It got me thinking about what makes sex so much better for me and my husband now we’re in our late 40s’
There are so many things you can do to have a better sex life but, for many women, they either haven’t experienced good sex or just don’t like it and, rather than exploring way in which to overcome any sexual problems they may have, they give up.
I know that many women who do enjoy sex experience a wide range of sexual problems from decreased libido to vaginal dryness – myself included – but there are things you can do to overcome these symptoms.
Thinking back to my childhood, my sex education was very limited.
I had a couple of boyfriends and a few one night stands but never had an orgasm as they were as inept at sex as me.
After moving to London, I met my husband when I was 23.
Sex wasn’t always great. I experienced vaginismus, painful contractions of the vagina, before having children.
Thankfully, this disappeared when I gave up my job and moved to New York.
I also had many bouts of thrush, cystitis and urinary tract infections, all of which made me wary about having sex, as they seemed to be sex-related.
Over time, I learnt that scented products are problematic and that hormonal changes cause thrush -but no one ever offered this advice at the time.
We also never used lubricants which would make sex more pleasurable.
For many, sex can be a disappointing experience in their 20s – the good news is it can improve with experience
These days, researching sex and writing about it has been an eye-opener and has made me realise just how lucky I am to have such a good sex life, compared to many people.
It got me thinking about what makes sex so much better for me and my husband now we’re in our late 40s.
While writing about sex has made me more sexually confident, there are various other reasons…
WE HAVE SEX FREQUENTLY
By this I meant three to four times a week – but not always.
It can be hard work motivating yourself at times, especially if you are tired or don’t feel in the mood/
But I do find myself getting ratty with everyone if we have a dry spell.
Sex expert Samantha Evans was plagued with weight issues and physical problems that stopped her enjoying sex in her 20s but now says it’s better than ever in her 40s
We haven’t always had sex this frequently but by making an effort, I often find that the best sex happens when I’m not really in the mood.
You don’t even have to have coital sex, just try foreplay or cuddling and kissing.
Sex toys are fun and there are great sex toys for men too.
Sometimes coital sex isn’t possible but you can still enjoy amazing orgasms in other ways.
SEX IS GOOD FOR US
Having sex makes me feel good.
The benefits of having sex are huge, from releasing feel good endorphins, to reducing stress, making you sleep better and giving you glowing skin, in addition to warding off sexual dysfunction problems.
Having sex releases feel good endorphins to reduce stress and give you a glowing complexion, she says
Owning my company has made me aware of just how many problems people experience when it comes to sex.
So I now write health and pleasure articles, offering practical advice and tips about how to enjoy sexual intimacy whoever you are and whatever your, sexual problem, illness or disease.
I KNOW WHAT I LIKE AND WHAT MY HUSBAND LIKES IN BED Now I’m in my late 40s, I know what I’m doing when it comes to sex.
I know what I like, what turns me off and how to bring pleasure to myself and my husband.
Knowing what brings pleasure to yourself and partner is key to a good sex life, says sex expert Mrs Evans
Being together for over 24 years and married for 17 of them, we have had great sex in the past but are having even better sex now because we talk about it and show each other what we want, need and enjoy.
Even now, it still surprises us when we discover that we both have the same thoughts about the same sexual thing or fantasy.
I KNOW HOW TO LET GO
Now I’m older, I find it easier to let go and enjoy sex, rather than filling my head with all the stuff I have to do or replaying situations and conversations from the day.
Sometimes it can be hard to switch off the chatter in your head.
But I give myself a shake and start concentrating on the pleasurable sensations running through my body, not if I’ve done the packed lunches for my children, who are really old enough to do their own.
Finding your inner dominatrix can boost both you and your partner’s sex life
I’VE FOUND MY INNER DOMINATRIX
My husband loves this and so do I. It doesn’t happen every time but quite often, but there is something very sexy about dominating your man.
Too many women just lie there and expect their man to do all the work, then complain when it isn’t any good.
I used to lie there and just let him do all the work but now I take control, I find I have amazing blended orgasms.
I get the best clitoral stimulation when on top and can control the pace at which I go – so either speed up my sexual pleasure or prolong it.
WE TALK ABOUT SEX
Obviously our business is sex-related, but we also talk about what we like, what feels good, what we’d like to try and how it might make us feel.
Writing about sex has made it feel better and I have discovered new techniques and ideas through my research which has increased both our sexual pleasure and fun.
Many couples don’t talk about sex at all.
Lying there in silence isn’t going to work.
Men need guidance, and would much rather touch you in ways that will bring you pleasure and vice versa.
I DON’T PUT UP WITH RUBBISH SEX ANY MORE
As mentioned above, I put up with rubbish sex in my 20’s because I didn’t know any better.
I experienced vaginismus (vaginal tightness) during my late 20’s but wouldn’t tell my partner for fear of letting him down sexually.
When he found out he was saddened that he had caused me pain and I had put up with it so he could enjoy sexual pleasure.
Pretending to enjoy things during sex when you don’t means he is likely to continue doing it that way, she says
Now, if it feels uncomfortable, I tell him and we stop.
But many women and men endure bad sex to placate their partners.
Pretending you enjoy what they are doing when you are busy making a shopping list in your head means they think you’re enjoying it and they will continue doing it in that way.
Sex should never feel painful or uncomfortable and you should not endure sex in this way.
It could also indicate that something is wrong.
I USE LUBE
I never used sexual lubricant in my 20s as it was something old women used.
As a former nurse, I used KY jelly on the hospital wards for various procedures, such as examinations.
I was vaguely aware that certain high street shops sold flavoured lubes and products which made you tingle but never considered them for my sex play.
Mrs Evans says she has ‘never looked back’ after using water-based lubricant Yes
Having had problems with thrush, cystitis and vaginal irritation, I didn’t realise that lubricants and spermicidal gels can cause such problems, having never been offered any advice by my GP.
Having discovered YES organic lubricants 7 years ago, we have never looked back. YES has been one of the best finds for our sex life and I won’t have sex without it.
It is the best lubricant I have ever tried, we just wished we’d found it after having our children.
But just mentioning the word lubricant conjures up a sad picture of a menopausal woman, yet sex feels so much better when you use lubes, whatever your age.
There is an assumption in younger men and women that women should just be ready for sex, even though hormonal changes, stress, illness and medication can all affect vaginal secretions every month.
Dry sex is not pleasant and can be painful, leading to tiny cuts in the vaginal wall which may get infected.
Using a good lubricant nourishes the tissues of the vaginal walls, making them feel moisturised and more pliable.
SEX TOYS MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE
Owning a sex toy company allows me to experiment with new sex toys to find one perfect for my needs.
Having said that, my husband and I use a variety of sex toys that offer different sexual sensations so I don’t think just one will ever do.
Selling well made, skin-safe products also makes me realise that jelly, rubber or latex sex toys are bad news and should be avoided at all costs, which is why we don’t sell them.
Sex toys sales are increasing as they become acceptable within society and people realise the benefits of using a sex toy for both their sexual pleasure and sexual health.
Surprisingly, many younger people don’t use sex toys within their relationships to avoid upsetting their partner, yet sex toys used during sexual intercourse can increase your sexual pleasure, not diminish it.
Many women believe that sex toys are a threat to a relationship but studies have shown that most men are happy for their partners to use them
Studies show that 75 per cent of women only orgasm clitorally during sex – a fact many women and men fail to understand – but there are a number of gadgets out there you can both enjoy.
Many women also believe sex toys are a threat to a relationship, but studies have shown that most men are happy for their partners to use them.
Some women like using a sex toy, such as a vibrator, but think their partner is strange if he wants to use one, yet there are many great sex toys for men which can increase sexual pleasure for you both.
Toys can never replace the real thing – but they can help you enjoy sexual pleasure if you don’t have a man around.
Many older women buy a vibrator when their partner has died or their relationship has broken up.
This is because they miss sexual pleasure and still want to experience it – or if their partner has erectile dysfunction and is unable to have penetrative sex.
SO DOES MAKING NOISE…
Making sounds of pleasure will encourage your partner to continue what they’re doing.
Most men find responsiveness a greater turn on than the way you look.
Encouraging your partner turns you both on as they are doing something that pleasures you and you get to enjoy it.
This works both ways.
BEING MORE CONFIDENT HELPS TOO
I’ve had three children and still blame my tummy on our youngest child who is 11.
However I have good boobs, which my man loves.
Lying there sucking in your tummy means you’re not concentrating on the sex and what’s happening to your body.
Most men are less interested in how their partner looks than they are and enjoy confidences, says Mrs Evans
Most men don’t give a stuff about how you look, they love confidence.
Too much emphasis is put on being perfect when you partner loves your smile, the dimple on your chin, your luscious buttocks or come to bed eyes.
I have had weight issues in the past, like many women, but I have now found the right balance of eating healthily, drinking alcohol occasionally and taking regular exercise.
I quite like the way I look now, something I probably wouldn’t have said five years ago.
I feel better when I’ve had sex – even if I’m really tired and just want to sleep.
I hope we will continue to have fantastic sex until we die.
That’s because I know there are ways in which we can keep our sexual intimacy alive into our twilight years even if we are too arthritic to make love.